March 14, 2015

It has taken me forever to write because this has been so hard for me to say-- I read back thru my past posts and I had been trying to stay hopeful but deep down I knew. I was having another miscarriage. I got my blood test and the levels were falling rapidly. I was so sad. Not surprised at all, but so SO sad. I felt like we were doing all we could, why were my dreams being constantly shut down. It is very difficult for me to cope, I was depressed and angry. Why is this so hard? What am I supposed to be learning? What am I doing wrong? Am I a bad mother? Why is this righteous desire being denied to me? What am I missing? How come everyone else seems to be getting pregnant? I had so many questions and no answers-- everyone tells me it'll happen when it's supposed to. Even though I know that to be true, I didn't want to hear it. I am so tired of being told everything will be ok, and to just be patient. I have been waiting 4 years for this. I have had 4 miscarriages! I have gone thru IVF and have nothing to show for it! I find myself getting angry and frustrated and often just want to break down and cry. It has been hard to say the least. I cannot imagine how difficult this all would be if I didn't have my two beautiful angels. They keep me going. I don't know why getting them here so easy but I do know I need them. They save me everyday. While the past months have been hard dealing with the failed IVF and trying to find meaning to it all, we got hit with another blow--- is it better to be hit when you are already down?? We got pregnant on our own- I was so excited and surprised but always had a panicked feeling of doubt. I have learned that my gut is usually right-- It was an ectopic pregnancy. I had to get a few shots to terminate the pregnancy that was growing outside of the uterus in the tube-- it was never going to be a baby. After one of the shots, I went to coach one of my basketball games and afterwards felt horrible. I would normally stay and watch and coach Allison's varsity game but I went home to try to sleep it off. I got home and was in such severe pain I could barely stand up or speak. We were afraid that the ectopic was rupturing which could cause a lot of problems and internal bleeding and can be really bad-- we rushed to the hospital and Dan and Charla met us there to get the girls, who were terrified by now that their mom was dying because I sure felt like I was. After getting on some strong pain medications and suffering thru an excruciating internal ultra sound we found that it had not ruptured which was a huge relief and blessing. I finally got to go home and felt pretty good a few days later. The whole time I was going thru this I kept asking why? Why do these terrible things keep happening? And of course all the questions I had after the failed IVF came flooding back. I blame my body, my past, my bad parenting, my lack of scripture study and personal prayer, my lack of spiritual knowledge. I blame everything about me. It's hard not to. I don't know having #3 has been impossible and downright torture for us. I don't know why having O and E was so perfectly easy but now, I do know more than ever, that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and it is far better than any plan I can make for myself. There is a reason, or a hundred reasons that we have not been able to have a baby yet and I may not know those reasons in this life, but I will know them someday. I have to trust in Heavenly Father's plan, it's far easier said than done, but I have had several experiences tell me that we will have another child. We have two frozen embryos that we are planning to have transferred next month. Fingers crossed that it is time to get pregnant! With faith, hope and trust!