June 1st 2016

Last Friday we had our 7 week ultrasound. It was better than we could have ever imagined! We saw TWO very strong heartbeats. TWO?! TWINS!!!! Holy Cow! It was such an amazing experience. The ultrasound tech told us that they both looked absolutely perfect and when we saw their little hearts pumping I completely lost it! We have waited so long and gone thru so much to get to this point and now that we are finally here I am almost in shock. It almost doesn't feel real. But I keep watching the video that Jon recorded on my phone and I am just so amazed! Our little miracles! We are so excited and of course I am still anxious at times but it feels good. it feels right- for whatever reason now is the time and two is our number! CRAZY!
I have been feeling really sick lately- somedays I can barely sit up without extreme nausea- I wanted this, is what I have to keep telling myself. Feeling awful is a good thing. My wish to throw up has come true-over and over now and I am just exhausted all the time. These babies are really taking their toll on me and I could not be happier!!!! Poor Olivia and Emma have had to fend for themselves a couple times but they are so excited and so awesome that they help as much as they can. They are HUGE helpers and are really going to be the best big sisters for these babies. They amaze me more and more everyday. Olivia has especially stepped up- some days she makes Emma's breakfast and lunch- I feel like such a slacker mom, but she reassures me- "I'm fine mom, you have babies in your tummy that you need to take care of." She melts my heart!
I am just overwhelmed with love and gratitude! Even when I am laying on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet, I am just so grateful!
Heavenly Father has given us so so much! He has blessed us with strength and tender mercies that have gotten us thru many tough times and will continue to help thru the many more to come I'm sure.
Twins will definitely be a challenge, but even more of a blessing. We are so excited and feel so blessed to have so many people standing all around us- praying for us and helping us get thru everyday- Thank you from the bottom of our hearts- Now we just keep praying for TWO healthy babies and a healthy mama to take care of our four miracles.


We have a 9 week ultrasound next week and I cannot wait to see the little hearts beating strong again. Then we will graduate from the infertility clinic to an actual OBGYN! That will be a huge step for us!


Friday the 3rd is our Emma Doreen's birthday! She will be 5 and I cannot believe it! We are so grateful to have her in our family! She is such a blessing! Her smile is so contagious and her energy and love of life make her so much fun to be around. She keeps us on our toes and definitely keeps us laughing! I love her so so much! I am very excited to celebrate her this weekend!

May 18th, 2016

We had our second blood draw today! The first one was close to 600 and today the levels were almost 13,000!!!! What?! That is huge! My levels haven't been that high since Emma! I am overwhelmed with feelings-feelings of joy, excitement and mostly gratitude! Fear still trickles in now and then but I try to just stay happy and grateful and not waste my time on fear and anxiety because it sure doesn't help anything and there is nothing I can do about it anyway. I just can't stop smiling! When Jon says I'm pregnant it just sounds so strange-it is something that we have said and been told many times these past few torturous years but this time just feels different--- it feels more real to me I guess. I'M PREGNANT!


It's kind of crazy having so many people know all about our journey- with our first two we didn't announce the pregnancies until we were in the second trimester, now everyone knows and I am only 5 1/2 weeks along. I am so grateful for all the love and support we have received but I am also afraid if things so wrong--Everyone will know that too! All the what if's are scary but like I said earlier I don't want to live in fear- I want to live with gratitude and hope and faith! I am so SO grateful for faith! I cannot imagine going thru these past painful years without the faith that I have. I know who I am. I know I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who has a divine plan for me. I know that what lies ahead for us- whatever that may be is far far better than anything I could ever imagine!


SO, do I feel pregnant? Yes! I haven't thrown up (still wanting to) but I have had quite a bit of nausea the last couple days. I have never been more happy to feel like garbage! I still feel super tired too. I have a love/hate relationship with naps. At the time they sound so great but when I wake up from them I feel like poo. Food hasn't sounded great either, but randomly one thing will sound good and I can't stop thinking about it till I have it. Today as I was driving home from the blood draw I started to feel really sick and I really wanted a turkey sandwich with mustard, so I stopped at Jimmy Johns and it was heavenly! I just love their bread! ha!
So next for us is our 7 week ultrasound next Friday to make sure that our baby is healthy and strong and maybe hear the heartbeat. Next Friday cannot come soon enough!
It's going to be a week of excitement for all of us! Emma has preschool graduation on Monday- I am so sad that she is done with preschool! She is growing up way too fast and next year my little buddy is going to be in kindergarten, EVERYDAY! I have loved spending time with her everyday and having her with me to go shopping with. She is such a little sweetie with SO much love! Next Wednesday is Olivia's last day of 1st grade! That just blows my mind! She is getting so old! She is such an angel and is so tender and wants to make sure everyone is happy! I really am looking forward to having both of my princesses home with me over the summer! We are going to have so much fun together. I love making memories with them! I'm glad that the next week and a half will be pretty busy to keep my mind occupied so I don't obsess over the upcoming ultrasound! I am so anxious and 'cautiously excited'!
We are so blessed!

May 12, 2016

Well... Drum roll.... we are pregnant! AGAIN! Here we go! So far so good. No bleeding yet but I do check every ten minutes because I am so paranoid that we will repeat last time. I still feel very hopeful though- Last time I was happy with the positive blood test but I never quite felt right. This time I have some fear creep in now and then but all in all, I feel pretty good and confident things are going to work out. My levels were higher this time- almost 600! Now we have another blood draw on the 18th hopefully the levels are rising quickly- then nothing until my 9 week ultrasound that I am so excited and anxious for. I am just hoping and praying to throw up within the next couple weeks, as crazy as that sounds. But, thru all the miscarriages and ectopic my levels never got high enough to make me and sick and now if I will just get sick and throw up I will feel more confident that things are going well. I am incredible exhausted though- I take a nap everyday around 4. Hopefully that is a good sign! :) I think so!
Well in the mean time life goes on... the girls are finishing up their activities as school comes to an end, and we are all looking forward to spending more time together this summer! Life is good! I am happy and hopeful! Still anxious, but trying to enjoy each day as it comes! I'm so lucky and blessed to have the beautiful babies that I have. They are so sweet and pray and hope for a baby in my tummy everyday! I love them and their faith strengthens me everyday!

May 6, 2016

How do we make the Lord's ways our ways?
Have faith and trust in His timing and His plan.
It will all work out!


Well we did it! We transferred our last two embryos! It's been quite the roller coaster of emotions. The week before the transfer Jon and I went to the temple. While I was there I just felt so much calm and peace and love. I was overwhelmed with feelings of love from my Father in Heaven and Savior, Jesus Christ. I don't know if we will come out of this pregnant, but I do know that they love me. They know me by name, Jesus Christ has felt the same pain I have felt and continue to feel everyday. He knows exactly how I feel, and Heavenly Father knows exactly what I need. It may not be what I think I need right now, but He knows and someday, this will all make sense. While at the temple I realized Heavenly Father isn't going to give me a 'yes, you will be pregnant' kind of answer. He is going to give me the same answer He has been. "Trust me" When I put my faith and trust in Him, I feel so much love and peace. I trust that He knows best. I still fear a little that what is 'best' isn't what I hope for right now but I know that faith and fear cannot go together. So I try to push those fears out as quickly as they come. I know Heavenly Father knows me, He knows my deepest desires and wants me to have them, but only He knows when the time is right. To say the least, it was a good time at the temple.
The transfer went well, I had acupuncture before and after the transfer and it was great. I was so relaxed and have been so at ease thru this whole thing this time around.
Bed rest was fun... no not really, I hate not being able to do anything. But I stayed down for the two and a half days. I have been eating pineapple core, raspberries and drinking pomegranate juice because I read online they are good for implantation! haha I am willing to do whatever I can. It makes me feel like I am doing something at least even though it is all in the hands of our Father in heaven.
It has been a huge blessing sharing our story- I am so overwhelmed by all the love and support we have received, and have really felt the prayers said in our behalf. It has really given me a boost, especially thru this last week and a half as I try not to freak out at every twinge or every feeling I have as we get ready to have the blood draw Monday. No matter the results on Monday I am scared. If we get a negative, I am afraid that it will never happen. If we get a positive, I'm afraid that the same thing will happen as last time, I will miscarry shortly after. I know I will be ok but I just want a baby!! Worry is a waste of time, I know - I cannot do anything else at this point. Just take care of myself, my family and hope and pray that we can bring another beautiful spirit in our family.
MONDAY IS A HUGE DAY!

March 14, 2015

It has taken me forever to write because this has been so hard for me to say-- I read back thru my past posts and I had been trying to stay hopeful but deep down I knew. I was having another miscarriage. I got my blood test and the levels were falling rapidly. I was so sad. Not surprised at all, but so SO sad. I felt like we were doing all we could, why were my dreams being constantly shut down. It is very difficult for me to cope, I was depressed and angry. Why is this so hard? What am I supposed to be learning? What am I doing wrong? Am I a bad mother? Why is this righteous desire being denied to me? What am I missing? How come everyone else seems to be getting pregnant? I had so many questions and no answers-- everyone tells me it'll happen when it's supposed to. Even though I know that to be true, I didn't want to hear it. I am so tired of being told everything will be ok, and to just be patient. I have been waiting 4 years for this. I have had 4 miscarriages! I have gone thru IVF and have nothing to show for it! I find myself getting angry and frustrated and often just want to break down and cry. It has been hard to say the least. I cannot imagine how difficult this all would be if I didn't have my two beautiful angels. They keep me going. I don't know why getting them here so easy but I do know I need them. They save me everyday. While the past months have been hard dealing with the failed IVF and trying to find meaning to it all, we got hit with another blow--- is it better to be hit when you are already down?? We got pregnant on our own- I was so excited and surprised but always had a panicked feeling of doubt. I have learned that my gut is usually right-- It was an ectopic pregnancy. I had to get a few shots to terminate the pregnancy that was growing outside of the uterus in the tube-- it was never going to be a baby. After one of the shots, I went to coach one of my basketball games and afterwards felt horrible. I would normally stay and watch and coach Allison's varsity game but I went home to try to sleep it off. I got home and was in such severe pain I could barely stand up or speak. We were afraid that the ectopic was rupturing which could cause a lot of problems and internal bleeding and can be really bad-- we rushed to the hospital and Dan and Charla met us there to get the girls, who were terrified by now that their mom was dying because I sure felt like I was. After getting on some strong pain medications and suffering thru an excruciating internal ultra sound we found that it had not ruptured which was a huge relief and blessing. I finally got to go home and felt pretty good a few days later. The whole time I was going thru this I kept asking why? Why do these terrible things keep happening? And of course all the questions I had after the failed IVF came flooding back. I blame my body, my past, my bad parenting, my lack of scripture study and personal prayer, my lack of spiritual knowledge. I blame everything about me. It's hard not to. I don't know having #3 has been impossible and downright torture for us. I don't know why having O and E was so perfectly easy but now, I do know more than ever, that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and it is far better than any plan I can make for myself. There is a reason, or a hundred reasons that we have not been able to have a baby yet and I may not know those reasons in this life, but I will know them someday. I have to trust in Heavenly Father's plan, it's far easier said than done, but I have had several experiences tell me that we will have another child. We have two frozen embryos that we are planning to have transferred next month. Fingers crossed that it is time to get pregnant! With faith, hope and trust!

August 27, 2015

I got a blood test on Tuesday and the results were excellent! I needed them to be 150-200 and they were almost 600! So I am still pregnant! It was a huge relief and we felt really good about things. Now I have been bleeding and cramping everyday since and it really scares me. It is so hard to stay confident when my body is giving me so many reasons to doubt... I talked to my doctors office again and they reassured me this can happen and as long as my levels are going up that things are good. We are pretty sure that the progesterone I have had to take is causing the bleeding. I am just supposed to continue to take it east, pray and keep faith hope and trust that Heavenly Father will take care of us. It has been very trying for me to keep faith but I am blessed with an amazing man and two beautiful awesome little girls who all have more faith in their little fingers than I do in my whole being. I could not get thru this trial without the three of them. They seem to never doubt, and their faith helps mine grow everyday. I really hope that everything is ok and that in nine months we will be bringing a baby home to our family. I have faith that Heavenly Father knows me, He knows my hearth and He knows what is best for me. I really do know that Satan tries to fill me with doubt but I need to be better at doubting my doubts before I doubt my faith. Blood test Monday! Fingers crossed!

August 24, 2015

I am scared! Friday we got the call that invitro worked and we are pregnant, so exciting! Then Sunday/yesterday I started cramping and bleeding pretty hard. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was all happening again. I was having a fourth miscarriage. Jon and I kind of sat in shock, anger and frustration for a few minutes and then knelt to pray. Pretty quickly after the prayer we both felt great peace that is wasn't over and that everything was going to be ok. I emailed the nurse and she called me today and told me that it was going to be ok. It could be a number of things but most likely not the worst. I am supposed to just take it easy, and so I am laying in bed, worried about every thing I feel my body doing-- I'm freaking out to be honest. I am trying to stay hopeful and have faith and I don't know why Heavenly Father would let us get our hopes up so high just to get them crushed. I am afraid of how I will recover if this ends badly. The nurse said to call if things get worse or change so I go to the bathroom every 10 minutes and hope and pray that I am ok and that I can carry this baby full term. I want another baby so badly I feel like I am losing my mind. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I know he has promised us more children and I have faith and hope that now is the time. I have read online that this is fairly normal especially with IVF but after having three miscarriages all pretty early on I am terrified that it is all happening again. I love my two sweet angels, I am trying to cherish every second I get with them. I am so grateful to be their mom, I know that they will be the best big sisters. They have such tender hearts and sweet spirits and they both are so excited to bring another baby to this family. We will all be heartbroken if this doesn't work out. I don't want their faith to waiver, I know it will be hard to keep mine strong, I hope that they can stay strong. I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are aware of me and love me. I know they know what is best, How can this be best? What do I need to learn from this? I want to be pregnant and bring one of Heavenly Father's children into this amazing family.