August 24, 2015

I am scared! Friday we got the call that invitro worked and we are pregnant, so exciting! Then Sunday/yesterday I started cramping and bleeding pretty hard. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was all happening again. I was having a fourth miscarriage. Jon and I kind of sat in shock, anger and frustration for a few minutes and then knelt to pray. Pretty quickly after the prayer we both felt great peace that is wasn't over and that everything was going to be ok. I emailed the nurse and she called me today and told me that it was going to be ok. It could be a number of things but most likely not the worst. I am supposed to just take it easy, and so I am laying in bed, worried about every thing I feel my body doing-- I'm freaking out to be honest. I am trying to stay hopeful and have faith and I don't know why Heavenly Father would let us get our hopes up so high just to get them crushed. I am afraid of how I will recover if this ends badly. The nurse said to call if things get worse or change so I go to the bathroom every 10 minutes and hope and pray that I am ok and that I can carry this baby full term. I want another baby so badly I feel like I am losing my mind. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I know he has promised us more children and I have faith and hope that now is the time. I have read online that this is fairly normal especially with IVF but after having three miscarriages all pretty early on I am terrified that it is all happening again. I love my two sweet angels, I am trying to cherish every second I get with them. I am so grateful to be their mom, I know that they will be the best big sisters. They have such tender hearts and sweet spirits and they both are so excited to bring another baby to this family. We will all be heartbroken if this doesn't work out. I don't want their faith to waiver, I know it will be hard to keep mine strong, I hope that they can stay strong. I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are aware of me and love me. I know they know what is best, How can this be best? What do I need to learn from this? I want to be pregnant and bring one of Heavenly Father's children into this amazing family.