I never would have thought that I would be where I am today. I have two beautiful, perfect girls, we live in my dream house, I have the most amazing husband in the world and we live close to both of our families so we get to spend tons of time with them. From the outside looking in we have the perfect life. But if you could see me inside I am falling apart. We, like many others, have a lot of trials that we face together as a family, but for the most part keep to ourselves.
Infertility. I never thought that I would hear the words, "you cannot have a child naturally" I have two perfect girls and they were a piece of cake. We just had to think about getting pregnant and ta-da there they were. How is it possible to just suddenly not be able to have a baby. We don't know, the doctors don't know, really there is only one who does know. Heavenly Father. It has been very hard for me to accept that the most important part of my body to me was broken, I love being a mom! I always dreamed I would have a huge family. we built this house so that we could fill it with lots of kids, and so that it could be a safe haven for them and their friends. I pictured at least six kids that are close like my sisters and brother and I are, playing, growing up and getting married and bringing my many grandchildren here. I was so sure that I would have many more than two children.
Heavenly Father knows me. He has a plan for me, and like it or not, this is my plan.
We have struggled for over three years now with getting pregnant and staying pregnant. At first, we started trying, so anxious and excited to get pregnant and bring another sweet spirit into our family. We were so excited to watch Olivia and Emma be the best big sisters, and have Emma and baby #3 be close enough in age to be good friends. After a couple months of trying we got pregnant, a few days after the positive test, I started bleeding. What was happening? This never happened before, the last two were easy peasy. I went to the doctor where they told me news that I never expected. I had had a miscarriage. It was gut wrenching news- I was made to have babies, this is why I am here, how can I have a miscarriage? I was upset, but very determined to press on and try again. When the doctor gave us the green light we were back to trying.
We tried for a few months and WOOP another positive pregnancy test! Then it all happened again. A few days after taking the test I began to bleed and cramp again. I knew it was happening and the doctor confirmed it. This time is was pretty difficult. TWO? Two miscarriages? Why is this happening? Isn't having babies a righteous desire? Am I not doing a good enough job with my two? What am I doing wrong? I blames myself and took it pretty hard. I found myself getting angry at pregnant women around me or women with newborns. I was jealous of friends and family members announcing their pregnancies. I would start to cry in the middle of the store as pregnant women walked by me, or as I walked passed the baby section of stores. I had a lot of hate and jealousy, but I wasn't going to give up.
We tried again and again for a year and a half with no news. Each month my period came was a big blow and each month was harder than the last. Then, finally... a postitive test! This one was it! We were sure of it! Every morning I would rush to the bathroom to make sure I wasn't bleeding, I went to the doctor and they confirmed the pregnancy! -- Then... after a couple weeks I was shopping with Emma while Liv was at school and I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I knew as soon as I saw it what was going on. This one, I took the hardest of all. I was angry. I wasn't sad anymore. I was mad. Mad at God, How could He do this to me? I am trying to do everything right! I pray, I study the scriptures, I fulfill my church callings. I am striving to be the best me I can. My kids are happy, healthy and learning the gospel, we have family home evenings, I am trying to hard to do everything right, why can't you just let us have a baby?? The more I thought about it, the more angry I got. I was not a happy person. I was depressed. I was so upset and angry about what I wasn't getting that I was missing out a lot on what I already had. I often found myself angry that Heavenly Father would let the druggy, drunky, crazy, young girls have babies but wouldn't let me have more when I am trying to raise them right. I finally realized I was reacting all wrong. This is my test and I was failing miserably. I tried to snap out of my depression and with the help of prayer, scripture study and priesthood blessings I got my sparkle back. I was still sad about not having a baby yet, but I was at peace that this is my plan and I need to trust Heavenly Father.
My OBGYN referred us to a fertility specialist. We ran some tests and found that my fallopian tubes are blocked. I kept having miscarriages because the egg couldn't make it to the uterus. We could have surgery and maybe get rid of the blockage but then possibly have scar tissue that would most likely block them again so it isn't 100%. Our only other option and the one that the doctor strongly suggested was invitro. I was not expecting that! IVF? Isn't that for women who can't get pregnant? Women who are infertile? I can get pregnant... see... I have two! At first I was in denial, but then after talking more with the doctor and my husband it all made more sense. We don't know how, when or why my tubes are blocked or how I so easily got pregnant twice, but the fact is, they are blocked. We could keep trying naturally and pray that the egg falls just perfectly thru the blockage or we can bypass the tubes and do IVF and be sure that the eggs make it to the uterus because they will be placed there. For me it was an easy decision. It took Jon a little longer to come around but I knew that is was what we had to do. We fasted, prayed and went to the temple with our decision and we were certain it was the way to go.
Thru this experience I have found out how I receive revelation or answers to my prayers and guidance. I get impressions and feelings and I feel good, warm and happy with them. Then I receive what I like to call little evidences that confirm my feelings. One of my major evidences I received was my awesome and beautiful visiting teacher, S. I was looking at her facebook one day and saw that her sister kept a blog. I got on the blog and her sister had talked about S's struggles with infertility and how her sweet baby boy I had loved having in my home was born thru IVF. I was surprised and excited to read that. I was nervous to talk to her about it, but when I did she was so open and happy to talk to me about it all. I have whined to her and asked her tons of questions and she is always so sweet and understanding. I know without a doubt that she is supposed to be my visiting teacher! Tender mercy, and little evidence that this was the right track for us.
So, we are on board for IVF. Jon gave in and accepted that this is the right thing and we have officially started down the path.
It's crazy! We have a fridge full of medication, a box full of needles and syringes and this morning Jon did the first injection into my stomach. I have to do one injection every morning for two weeks and then we add two more for a week and a half. I will be a walking talking pin cushion! It's a very strict schedule with ultrasounds and blood draws and sticking to the injection schedule but we hope that it will all be worth it. It's scary but we are trying to stay hopeful and faithful that He knows what He is doing and whatever happens, it is the right thing for us. He knows me. He loves me, and He has the perfect plan for me.
"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest, as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing."
-Henry B. Eyring
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