Bed rest stinks! Yesterday was transfer day! I am supposed to stay down for two and a half days. I'm beginning to get a little stir crazy. Yesterday after having the transfer my mom took the girls and I came home to begin bed rest. Jon got me all set up with snacks, the Ipad, and a book and then left for work. The house was so quiet and still and I actually kind of liked it. Today, Charla came and picked up the girls this morning and I was laying down all day! I tried reading, but it was too quiet. So, I watched too much T.V. and slept a bit. It feels so strange not doing anything but laying down. No dishes, no laundry, cleaning up or anything but sitting here and watching t.v. reading and writing.
I want to make sure that I write down as much of this as possible. I want to remember the struggles, the sacrifices, the pain that I have been enduring, all to bring another angel into our family. I try to stay hopeful and just have faith, but I am scared to death. All we can do now is take care of myself and wait-hope-pray. We transferred two really good healthy embryos yesterday. It is now up to them to implant. Well it's up to heavenly father. I really hope that this--- us being pregnant, is part of my plan. He is in control and for some reason that scares me more than gives me comfort right now. I know I need to trust Him, I just fear that what I think is best is different than what He does. I also know we will look back on this and understand better why we have done this and gone thru this. All I know is that I have tried to show I will do whatever it takes to grow our family. I love my sweet babies and I am so grateful for them. But I have this strong desire to have a big family, raised in the gospel, learning from and teaching each other.
We have so many praying for us and loving and supporting us thru all of this. I know He hears and answers prayers and everyone rallying around us has strengthened me and given me more faith and hope. I guess I feel like I am protecting myself by not being too hopeful and staying scared-- I don't want to get hurt again. I am not sure how I will handle it if it's negative. I will try to not be angry. I will try to not lose hope in our future family we have been promised! I'm scared!
"And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it thru, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you wont be the same person you walked in as." --Haruki Murakami
This is why I am journaling this experience. I want to remember how I made it thru. Faith, Family, Friends. How I survived -Jon, Olivia and Emma. And I want to remember who I was before, during and after.
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