March 14, 2015

It has taken me forever to write because this has been so hard for me to say-- I read back thru my past posts and I had been trying to stay hopeful but deep down I knew. I was having another miscarriage. I got my blood test and the levels were falling rapidly. I was so sad. Not surprised at all, but so SO sad. I felt like we were doing all we could, why were my dreams being constantly shut down. It is very difficult for me to cope, I was depressed and angry. Why is this so hard? What am I supposed to be learning? What am I doing wrong? Am I a bad mother? Why is this righteous desire being denied to me? What am I missing? How come everyone else seems to be getting pregnant? I had so many questions and no answers-- everyone tells me it'll happen when it's supposed to. Even though I know that to be true, I didn't want to hear it. I am so tired of being told everything will be ok, and to just be patient. I have been waiting 4 years for this. I have had 4 miscarriages! I have gone thru IVF and have nothing to show for it! I find myself getting angry and frustrated and often just want to break down and cry. It has been hard to say the least. I cannot imagine how difficult this all would be if I didn't have my two beautiful angels. They keep me going. I don't know why getting them here so easy but I do know I need them. They save me everyday. While the past months have been hard dealing with the failed IVF and trying to find meaning to it all, we got hit with another blow--- is it better to be hit when you are already down?? We got pregnant on our own- I was so excited and surprised but always had a panicked feeling of doubt. I have learned that my gut is usually right-- It was an ectopic pregnancy. I had to get a few shots to terminate the pregnancy that was growing outside of the uterus in the tube-- it was never going to be a baby. After one of the shots, I went to coach one of my basketball games and afterwards felt horrible. I would normally stay and watch and coach Allison's varsity game but I went home to try to sleep it off. I got home and was in such severe pain I could barely stand up or speak. We were afraid that the ectopic was rupturing which could cause a lot of problems and internal bleeding and can be really bad-- we rushed to the hospital and Dan and Charla met us there to get the girls, who were terrified by now that their mom was dying because I sure felt like I was. After getting on some strong pain medications and suffering thru an excruciating internal ultra sound we found that it had not ruptured which was a huge relief and blessing. I finally got to go home and felt pretty good a few days later. The whole time I was going thru this I kept asking why? Why do these terrible things keep happening? And of course all the questions I had after the failed IVF came flooding back. I blame my body, my past, my bad parenting, my lack of scripture study and personal prayer, my lack of spiritual knowledge. I blame everything about me. It's hard not to. I don't know having #3 has been impossible and downright torture for us. I don't know why having O and E was so perfectly easy but now, I do know more than ever, that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and it is far better than any plan I can make for myself. There is a reason, or a hundred reasons that we have not been able to have a baby yet and I may not know those reasons in this life, but I will know them someday. I have to trust in Heavenly Father's plan, it's far easier said than done, but I have had several experiences tell me that we will have another child. We have two frozen embryos that we are planning to have transferred next month. Fingers crossed that it is time to get pregnant! With faith, hope and trust!

August 27, 2015

I got a blood test on Tuesday and the results were excellent! I needed them to be 150-200 and they were almost 600! So I am still pregnant! It was a huge relief and we felt really good about things. Now I have been bleeding and cramping everyday since and it really scares me. It is so hard to stay confident when my body is giving me so many reasons to doubt... I talked to my doctors office again and they reassured me this can happen and as long as my levels are going up that things are good. We are pretty sure that the progesterone I have had to take is causing the bleeding. I am just supposed to continue to take it east, pray and keep faith hope and trust that Heavenly Father will take care of us. It has been very trying for me to keep faith but I am blessed with an amazing man and two beautiful awesome little girls who all have more faith in their little fingers than I do in my whole being. I could not get thru this trial without the three of them. They seem to never doubt, and their faith helps mine grow everyday. I really hope that everything is ok and that in nine months we will be bringing a baby home to our family. I have faith that Heavenly Father knows me, He knows my hearth and He knows what is best for me. I really do know that Satan tries to fill me with doubt but I need to be better at doubting my doubts before I doubt my faith. Blood test Monday! Fingers crossed!

August 24, 2015

I am scared! Friday we got the call that invitro worked and we are pregnant, so exciting! Then Sunday/yesterday I started cramping and bleeding pretty hard. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was all happening again. I was having a fourth miscarriage. Jon and I kind of sat in shock, anger and frustration for a few minutes and then knelt to pray. Pretty quickly after the prayer we both felt great peace that is wasn't over and that everything was going to be ok. I emailed the nurse and she called me today and told me that it was going to be ok. It could be a number of things but most likely not the worst. I am supposed to just take it easy, and so I am laying in bed, worried about every thing I feel my body doing-- I'm freaking out to be honest. I am trying to stay hopeful and have faith and I don't know why Heavenly Father would let us get our hopes up so high just to get them crushed. I am afraid of how I will recover if this ends badly. The nurse said to call if things get worse or change so I go to the bathroom every 10 minutes and hope and pray that I am ok and that I can carry this baby full term. I want another baby so badly I feel like I am losing my mind. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I know he has promised us more children and I have faith and hope that now is the time. I have read online that this is fairly normal especially with IVF but after having three miscarriages all pretty early on I am terrified that it is all happening again. I love my two sweet angels, I am trying to cherish every second I get with them. I am so grateful to be their mom, I know that they will be the best big sisters. They have such tender hearts and sweet spirits and they both are so excited to bring another baby to this family. We will all be heartbroken if this doesn't work out. I don't want their faith to waiver, I know it will be hard to keep mine strong, I hope that they can stay strong. I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are aware of me and love me. I know they know what is best, How can this be best? What do I need to learn from this? I want to be pregnant and bring one of Heavenly Father's children into this amazing family.

August 22, 2015

Yesterday was quite the day! I turned 29! I'm Old! We also got huge news... I took my 2nd beta blood test and the levels tripled!!! I'm pregnant!!! I think that I am still kind of in shock or something cause I cannot believe it! It's surreal. We have waited for over three years for this and have gone thru quite the emotional roller coaster of ups and major downs, and injections and medications out the wazoo! We have finally made it! I'm pregnant! I can't say it or even write it without tearing up. It's an amazing miracle and I cannot wait to watch my belly grow and then bring another one of Heavenly Father's children into this family.
I am so grateful for this trial. How weird is it to say that? I have learned a lot thru this but mostly I have learned faith and trust in Heavenly Father's timing, we don't know why it hasn't been the right time till now, and we may not know in this life but I do know that Heavenly Father knows. I strongly believe our story will help me and others in the future, maybe my posterity, maybe I will be able to help someone who is struggling with something similar. I don't know right now, but I look forward to it. I am so happy! Still a little nervous something could still happen but I really feel that it is the time! This baby is our miracle #3! I love my 3 miracles! We are so blessed and this beautiful baby will be so loved and spoiled with kisses and 2 amazing big sisters who will love him or her unconditionally! Oh happy day! The happiest birthday ever! We are pregnant! Finally!!

August 14, 2015

While listening to Olivia say her prayers tonight she said, "please bless mama, after all that she has been thru, and all that she has had to do, that she can have a baby in her tummy."
Bless her heart! I pray so hard that her sweet, simple faith can not be tried yet. She has heard and said so many prayers for a baby in my tummy I do now want to try to explain that it is not the right time... again. I love my sweet angels. They are so tender and so in tune with the spirit. I am so grateful for their beautiful, sweet and simple prayers. I know He hears them, but I also know that they are for me to hear too, everytime I hear them pray my faith and testimony grows! I love our girls.

August 13, 2015

Bed rest stinks! Yesterday was transfer day! I am supposed to stay down for two and a half days. I'm beginning to get a little stir crazy. Yesterday after having the transfer my mom took the girls and I came home to begin bed rest. Jon got me all set up with snacks, the Ipad, and a book and then left for work. The house was so quiet and still and I actually kind of liked it. Today, Charla came and picked up the girls this morning and I was laying down all day! I tried reading, but it was too quiet. So, I watched too much T.V. and slept a bit. It feels so strange not doing anything but laying down. No dishes, no laundry, cleaning up or anything but sitting here and watching t.v. reading and writing.


I want to make sure that I write down as much of this as possible. I want to remember the struggles, the sacrifices, the pain that I have been enduring, all to bring another angel into our family. I try to stay hopeful and just have faith, but I am scared to death. All we can do now is take care of myself and wait-hope-pray. We transferred two really good healthy embryos yesterday. It is now up to them to implant. Well it's up to heavenly father. I really hope that this--- us being pregnant, is part of my plan. He is in control and for some reason that scares me more than gives me comfort right now. I know I need to trust Him, I just fear that what I think is best is different than what He does. I also know we will look back on this and understand better why we have done this and gone thru this. All I know is that I have tried to show I will do whatever it takes to grow our family. I love my sweet babies and I am so grateful for them. But I have this strong desire to have a big family, raised in the gospel, learning from and teaching each other.


We have so many praying for us and loving and supporting us thru all of this. I know He hears and answers prayers and everyone rallying around us has strengthened me and given me more faith and hope. I guess I feel like I am protecting myself by not being too hopeful and staying scared-- I don't want to get hurt again. I am not sure how I will handle it if it's negative. I will try to not be angry. I will try to not lose hope in our future family we have been promised! I'm scared!


"And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it thru, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you wont be the same person you walked in as." --Haruki Murakami


This is why I am journaling this experience. I want to remember how I made it thru. Faith, Family, Friends. How I survived -Jon, Olivia and Emma. And I want to remember who I was before, during and after.

August 10, 2015

Nine are still going strong! I go in on Wednesday to have the transfer. So many emotions are going on inside me right now. I am so nervous/excited! Nervous that it won't work, excited that it will! If it doesn't work out the way we hope, I don't know how I am going to take it. Three years and three miscarriages have been torture. I have fought with depression and anger and frustration beyond anything I have experienced before. So to say that we would be let down or sad or even heartbroken would be an understatement. It will be a long two weeks while we wait. Now I think about if/when we get the positive pregnancy test that will be a happy day, so many emotions/feelings rushing thru me. So happy and excited to have a baby growing inside of me FINALLY! And also afraid it will miscarry or something. Then there is the possibility of being pregnant with two. That is crazy! Twins would be so great and so hard all at the same time. So many normal everyday things change when you have a baby, but two? Haha! All in all, I feel a lot of comfort as we finish this process of IVF. It will be hard if it doesn't work, but I do trust that everything will work out. I have faith that Heavenly Father knows me, my desires, and he knows what is best for me. I am grateful for the gospel. I am thankful for the knowledge that I have that I am a child of God. He loves me and has a plan for me.

August 8, 2015

The last few weeks have been crazy ones. I did all of my invitro injections and they took quite a toll on me. I felt so huge and bloaty at times and sometimes a little sick. I was on the major stim medications while we were at Disneyland last week with my whole family. It was interesting packing a cooler full of drugs and a box of needles and syringes. And before we would head into the parks Jon would do the injections for me. Not exactly how you would picture Disneyland. But besides the daily injections and having to go early one morning for a blood draw, Disneyland was amazing! I love it there! It's so magical for the kids-- they love seeing all characters and riding all the rides. It was so special to have my whole family there this year. We made so many great memories to last a lifetime.


After being on the stim meds for a week I went in for ultrasounds where they would check the size of my follicles in the ovaries, they were growing pretty well which  I could totally feel. So they scheduled the egg retrieval-- I had the procedure done yesterday-- they put me under and retrieved 17 eggs. They were hoping for 10-13 so 17 was good news. They then fertilized them and called this morning to tell us that 9/17 were fertilized. That was good news. The plan is to have at least 3 good strong embryos so that Wednesday they can transfer two and we can have one to freeze to use later. We will know 2 weeks after the transfer if we are pregnant! It's so exciting and scary, but we have faith that it will all work out!

July 16, 2015

I feel I need to take a minute to write about my beautiful babies. Olivia is so kind and caring, she always wants to make others happy. She loves the gospel and always wants to learn more. She is curious about life. She needs to know everything about everything. The questions never stop coming from this one. She loves to learn and loves to hear stories. She is always asking Jon and I to tell her stories from our childhoods and from our pasts and she especially loves hearing stories about herself when she was a baby. She is a great big sister and takes care of Emma so well for me. I love my little Livi-lu! Emma is so passionate. Everything she does she puts her all into. Her hugs are awesome! She squeezes you with everything she has and just loves you- you can feel it. Sometimes when she is with me she hugs me over and over and says "I just can't stop hugging you!" I love it when she does that. She is also pretty passionate when she is angry-- watch out! She will growl and and yell and her whole body shakes when she gets really mad. Sometimes it's hard not to laugh but that just makes her more angry. She just has so much love and passion for life in her little self. I love my Emma-D


Both girls are so tender- they can tell when I am down or sad and they both give great hugs and try to do things to cheer me up. They both cry at almost every movie whenever there is a sad part--they sob. They love life and love everyone around them. I love how caring they are and much they love to learn.


They are amazing examples to me and remind me everyday what unconditional love it. It is so amazing, comforting and reassuring to me how much I am loved by Heavenly Father. The love I have for my babies is just a glimpse of how very much He loves each of us.

July 13th, 2015

I never would have thought that I would be where I am today. I have two beautiful, perfect girls, we live in my dream house, I have the most amazing husband in the world and we live close to both of our families so we get to spend tons of time with them. From the outside looking in we have the perfect life. But if you could see me inside I am falling apart. We, like many others, have a lot of trials that we face together as a family, but for the most part keep to ourselves.
Infertility. I never thought that I would hear the words, "you cannot have a child naturally" I have two perfect girls and they were a piece of cake. We just had to think about getting pregnant and ta-da there they were. How is it possible to just suddenly not be able to have a baby. We don't know, the doctors don't know, really there is only one who does know. Heavenly Father. It has been very hard for me to accept that the most important part of my body to me was broken, I love being a mom! I always dreamed I would have a huge family. we built this house so that we could fill it with lots of kids, and so that it could be a safe haven for them and their friends. I pictured at least six kids that are close like my sisters and brother and I are, playing, growing up and getting married and bringing my many grandchildren here. I was so sure that I would have many more than two children.


Heavenly Father knows me. He has a plan for me, and like it or not, this is my plan.


We have struggled for over three years now with getting pregnant and staying pregnant. At first, we started trying, so anxious and excited to get pregnant and bring another sweet spirit into our family. We were so excited to watch Olivia and Emma be the best big sisters, and have Emma and baby #3 be close enough in age to be good friends. After a couple months of trying we got pregnant, a few days after the positive test, I started bleeding. What was happening? This never happened before, the last two were easy peasy. I went to the doctor where they told me news that I never expected. I had had a miscarriage. It was gut wrenching news- I was made to have babies, this is why I am here, how can I have a miscarriage? I was upset, but very determined to press on and try again. When the doctor gave us the green light we were back to trying.


We tried for a few months and WOOP another positive pregnancy test! Then it all happened again. A few days after taking the test I began to bleed and cramp again. I knew it was happening and the doctor confirmed it. This time is was pretty difficult. TWO? Two miscarriages? Why is this happening? Isn't having babies a righteous desire? Am I not doing a good enough job with my two? What am I doing wrong? I blames myself and took it pretty hard. I found myself getting angry at pregnant women around me or women with newborns. I was jealous of friends and family members announcing their pregnancies. I would start to cry in the middle of the store as pregnant women walked by me, or as I walked passed the baby section of stores. I had a lot of hate and jealousy, but I wasn't going to give up.


We tried again and again for a year and a half with no news. Each month my period came was a big blow and each month was harder than the last. Then, finally... a postitive test! This one was it! We were sure of it! Every morning I would rush to the bathroom to make sure I wasn't bleeding, I went to the doctor and they confirmed the pregnancy! -- Then... after a couple weeks I was shopping with Emma while Liv was at school and I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I knew as soon as I saw it what was going on. This one, I took the hardest of all. I was angry. I wasn't sad anymore. I was mad. Mad at God, How could He do this to me? I am trying to do everything right! I pray, I study the scriptures, I fulfill my church callings. I am striving to be the best me I can. My kids are happy, healthy and learning the gospel, we have family home evenings, I am trying to hard to do everything right, why can't you just let us have a baby?? The more I thought about it, the more angry I got. I was not a happy person. I was depressed. I was so upset and angry about what I wasn't getting that I was missing out a lot on what I already had. I often found myself angry that Heavenly Father would let the druggy, drunky, crazy, young girls have babies but wouldn't let me have more when I am trying to raise them right. I finally realized I was reacting all wrong. This is my test and I was failing miserably. I tried to snap out of my depression and with the help of prayer, scripture study and priesthood blessings I got my sparkle back. I was still sad about not having a baby yet, but I was at peace that this is my plan and I need to trust Heavenly Father.

My OBGYN referred us to a fertility specialist. We ran some tests and found that my fallopian tubes are blocked. I kept having miscarriages because the egg couldn't make it to the uterus. We could have surgery and maybe get rid of the blockage but then possibly have scar tissue that would most likely block them again so it isn't 100%. Our only other option and the one that the doctor strongly suggested was invitro. I was not expecting that! IVF? Isn't that for women who can't get pregnant? Women who are infertile? I can get pregnant... see... I have two! At first I was in denial, but then after talking more with the doctor and my husband it all made more sense. We don't know how, when or why my tubes are blocked or how I so easily got pregnant twice, but the fact is, they are blocked. We could keep trying naturally and pray that the egg falls just perfectly thru the blockage or we can bypass the tubes and do IVF and be sure that the eggs make it to the uterus because they will be placed there. For me it was an easy decision. It took Jon a little longer to come around but I knew that is was what we had to do. We fasted, prayed and went to the temple with our decision and we were certain it was the way to go.


Thru this experience I have found out how I receive revelation or answers to my prayers and guidance. I get impressions and feelings and I feel good, warm and happy with them. Then I receive what I like to call little evidences that confirm my feelings. One of my major evidences I received was my awesome and beautiful visiting teacher, S. I was looking at her facebook one day and saw that her sister kept a blog. I got on the blog and her sister had talked about S's struggles with infertility and how her sweet baby boy I had loved having in my home was born thru IVF. I was surprised and excited to read that. I was nervous to talk to her about it, but when I did she was so open and happy to talk to me about it all. I have whined to her and asked her tons of questions and she is always so sweet and understanding. I know without a doubt that she is supposed to be my visiting teacher! Tender mercy, and little evidence that this was the right track for us.


So, we are on board for IVF. Jon gave in and accepted that this is the right thing and we have officially started down the path.


It's crazy! We have a fridge full of medication, a box full of needles and syringes and this morning Jon did the first injection into my stomach. I have to do one injection every morning for two weeks and then we add two more for a week and a half. I will be a walking talking pin cushion! It's a very strict schedule with ultrasounds and blood draws and sticking to the injection schedule but we hope that it will all be worth it. It's scary but we are trying to stay hopeful and faithful that He knows what He is doing and whatever happens, it is the right thing for us. He knows me. He loves me, and He has the perfect plan for me.


"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest, as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing."
-Henry B. Eyring